Dark Limericks

Obsession

Mason viewed Beth from afar,

Then kidnapped her into his car

And after her lesson,

A passionate session,

He left her a permanent scar

Basement

At night I can still hear the yells;

The product of torturous hells

So I’ll gather supplies

To silence the cries,

And soundproof the children’s cells

Prisoner

My husband has quite often said

That he would much rather be dead

To get him to quiet

And whimper in silence

I crack him right upside the head

D.I.D

My wife’s favorite colour is red

And right now, she’s laying in bed

As I sit in the chair

And discuss in despair

I’m told that it’s all in my head!

Hike

I trekked with my man to the bluff

And from him, I’d had enough

So I shoved him with gall

Which caused him to fall

And now I can keep all his stuff!

Intruder

I just heard a bump in the night

That gave me a harrowing fright

So I went to bestow

My flashlight’s sweet glow,

Revealing my killer in light

Bug

Last night I swallowed a fly

That gnaws at my feeble insides

Now I’ve become prey,

And in agony, lay

Upon my floor waiting to die

Thanksgiving

My nan cooked up bangers and mash

For the Thanksgiving family bash

But after the meal

My nan did reveal

Our food contained great-grandad’s ash!

Skating

My husband’s a skater of note,

And boy did he gracefully float

But on our last skating trip

I regrettably slipped

And my blade did slice open his throat

Great Sex

My new wife is sexually wild

She leaves me fulfilled and defiled

But my parents, they stormed

Upon being informed

That my wife is my second-born child!

Bad Parenting

Tonight, I asked mommy for food,

But she sat in her same drugged-up mood

So, I grabbed a sharp skewer

And drove it into her

Then cooked her up into a stew

Spin Cycle

A dunce bought a new canine pet

He shrieked when he found it all wet

In the spinner, it dried

While it helplessly cried

‘Till it couldn’t be saved by the vet

Breadbox

Upstairs, I found my husband dead,

But his body was missing its head

When I scoured the boondocks,

I found in the breadbox

His skull was stuffed in with the bread!

Winter Murder

The sun brings a warm morning glow

To the landscape I very well know

As my victim lay strewn

From my violent tune,

Crimson puddles now litter the snow

Trespassing

This morning at the crack of dawn

A man sauntered onto my lawn

Ignoring my signs

That there’d be hefty fines,

So I stabbed him until he was gone

Kids

There once was a man with three offspring

Whose mind was all twisted and coiling

So he sewed them together

In a circular tether

And made them up into his plaything

Woodshop

A saw did my teacher appoint,

But he said I was missing the point

So I taught the old fool

How to use his own tool

By splitting his arm at the joint

Parenting

There once was a father named Steve

Whose children thought he was a peeve

So they snuck to his bed

And bashed in his head,

Leaving their mother to grieve

Chasm

Break did the bridge made of rope

As I crossed the abysmal scope

Now I hang by a thread,

Abreast to the dead,

But I haven’t yet given up hope

Pipeline

The foreman got stuck in the pipe

By screaming, he did justly gripe

Thus assembled the team

To race the hot steam

That violently stole the group’s life

Hallowe'en

I love giving Hallowe’en candy;

The grin of a child is right dandy

But my goods wear a guise

And contain a surprise:

Double an ounce per of brandy!

Ailment

I found a huge lump on my eye

Which I thought was a harmless old sty

So, I left it to sprout,

But it popped and let out

A million flesh-eating flies

Saudade

There once was a father named Roy

Who terribly missed his late boy

So, he robbed his son’s tomb

And returned to his room

Now his bed buddy brings him great joy

Labour

My woman began to give birth

To the clinic, we sped with great mirth

But along, we were struck

By an eighteen-wheel truck

Now, our infant will never see Earth

Divine Message

Mrs. Marr received word from The Lord

To make a disgusting accord,

And with a dutiful slice,

Made the child sacrifice,

But her efforts were fully ignored

Bad Habit

I harbour a bit of a quirk:

The compulsion to sexually jerk

But I got a surprise

When I met twenty eyes

Of my companion grocery store clerks

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